Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes

“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”

*drops string cheese*

“This hole is no cause for alarm”

*picks up string cheese*

Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.

[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.

When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?

My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.

Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!

[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*

*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*

Fun tip:

Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.

*thumbs up*

*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”

host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam

sam: yeah and you as well

host:

sam:

host: killer job sammy boy

[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists

i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face

origin story of all Disney villains:

“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“

No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.

When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens

I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive

Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol

Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.

Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.

this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.

BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making

ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS

Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up

I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?

me: what’s our criminology class on?

friend: cannibalism

me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture