Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good

Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.

When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?

is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants

I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan

Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.

…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins

Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*

Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!

THERAPIST: What do u wish for?

WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together

ME: A penguin butler

[after dinner]

Me: I can’t eat another bite.

Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*

My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end

i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.

My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”

Cats are about as useful as a football bat.

BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound

ARCHITECT: why

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper

ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!

Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.

-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September

Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.

Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it

Space.

Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies

Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.

The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport

richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn

Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea

“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off

she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.

Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you

Tony Hawk, age 6

Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.