Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[a person with cold hands]

DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE

[a dog with cold paws]

POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT

Wait – my gym moved?

In 1997?

OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!

This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.

*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”

Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.

Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*

If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨

Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…

Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.

The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.

My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.

Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber

People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are

Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep

shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms

“Ok, let’s go now” 😂

FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.

I wanna be friends with this person

That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions

The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.

A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.

[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there

I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter

New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.

God: you’re a decapod.

Crab: what does that mean?

God: it means you have 10 legs.

Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.

God: at least you don’t have a hundred.

Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?

Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?

Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.

I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it

[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body

my wife: could we remove the kazoo

Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?