Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes

“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”

– inventor of the Band-Aid

It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

[in bed]

Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…

Me: *removes ear plugs*

*removes sleeping mask*

*removes snoring strip*

*removes mouth guard*

Hey…

Husband: *sleeping*

I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do

him: I love animals, especially dogs

me: *I could really like him*

him: birds too

me: *he’s dead to me*

My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.

A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: Street magic

Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.

So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.

My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.

Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.

ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously

Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!

Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:

“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”

You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.

Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.

Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?

People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole

My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet

Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds

*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*

My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.

Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”

[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble

Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.