11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
You Might Also Like
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”