11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
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Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
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Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.
10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
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Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!