11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
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Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
After kissing my girlfriend on the sofa, she said ‘Let’s take this upstairs.’
I replied, ‘OK, you grab one end and I’ll grab the other.’
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.