Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.

Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

Stop

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.

How to paint a live flamingo:

1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it

I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

No, of course I’m not mad.

It’s fine.

*goes home, starts building a Death Star.

Dance like you’re not the father

A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.

She’s obviously a newbie.

My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”

Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo

Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.

If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.

Picture the perfect woman.

Wrong.

You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.

[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important

Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room

Friend: You teach first grade

Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people

Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave

Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.

And now…a ‘joke’.

Why was the demon in hospital?

It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*

i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure

Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.

Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.

Me: table for two

Hostess: did you have reservations

Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now

When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.

A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.

1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave