Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

KID911: wats ur emergency

SON: sister is staring at me

KID911: did you tell her to stop

SON: yes! she isnt even blinking

KID911: omg ok take a deep breath

KID911: now scream for mom

To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.

Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.

God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion

Angel: Sounds perfect

God: Lol, they have to pick two of three

if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am

I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool

them: do you think about other people when you have sex

me: when I have what now

My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.

The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”

🍛

me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi

As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.

[1st day as criminal sketch artist]

Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….

Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper

Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend

*deleted Titanic scene*

Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats

Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

Note to future self:

Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive

Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes

Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape

Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape

The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.

I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.

Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.

(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)

Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.

Omg. It happened again.

I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.

Help me 😩

don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s

*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*

*audience claps politely*

Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.

There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .