11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
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Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!