Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea

My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!

Are these grass-fed oranges?

me: do you gift wrap

drug dealer: what

HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.

Sharon, call the vet

Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.

I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.

This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’

ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol

GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?

ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao

G: Most people wish for world peace or money

ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental

G: Wow Max great work

death: it’s your time

me: in my dying era

death: what

me: going ghost mode

death: stop

I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.

-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV

I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.

If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school

Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”

Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all

Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!

Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?

Me: why…did it sneeze?

ME: So you’re into football?

DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.

ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.

HER: I need to see other people.

What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??

Dentist: “And do you floss?”

Me: “Yes!”

My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”

Wife: You’re lost.

Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.

I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.

Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.

Guilty! 🤪

Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.

Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan

Yeah. This was me today.

Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.