Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.

“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun

Stephen King ruined corn children for me

One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.

my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy

Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”

If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.

Alien: We come in peace

Human: Aw man, we hate that

“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”

It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.

Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?

-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.

ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else

HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again

Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around

Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.

How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.

My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.

1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM

little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies

shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms

The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.

Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!

– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert

I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.

I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you

[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!

Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!

Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ

Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP

Me: I’m woke

Kids: How woke?

Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.

Nobody:

My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.

My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.

there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them

Vampire: I can bite you…

Me: Sweet!

Vampire: … and give you eternal life!

Me: Stop threatening me!

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that

A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”