Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.

[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going

Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.

August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.

I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it

I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.

[packing for work trip]

“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”

I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.

Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

[dinner, my place]

“This tastes like pork?”

ME: You asked for a nice swine

“No, a nice wine”

ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?

I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.

She was rare…

… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.

him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you

me:

Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!

You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.

There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.

oh my gosh!!

Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:

1. A gas pedal

A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.

He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.

Therapist: How’s your narcissism?

Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”

I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.

thanks auntie mary

Survival Tip:

If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.

Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.

You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.

Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?

Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.

Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?

Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?

*forces square peg into round hole

Round hole: wrong hole.

Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.

Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.