11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
You Might Also Like
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Breaking news:
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.