Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?

she has a smile full of sesame seeds

if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates

really makes you think 🤔

“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.

As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.

I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.

Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver

“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.

I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings

😂😂😂

If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.

“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.

“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.

I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.

“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”

Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…

Me: No.

My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.

I like to think I’m smart

Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground

First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.

Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.

don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???

When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that

Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.

The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.

My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL

*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*

4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.

I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.

A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”

me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?

wife: not like this

My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.

People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1

My new favorite headline