Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

absolutely not

My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.

I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.

How my wife saves money:

Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.

Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?

*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*

me: I stand corrected

chiropractor: you’re welcome

I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.

I named him Gasper.

woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing

I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.

The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?

my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas

“Bear with me for a minute.”

– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.

When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question

I know this now

“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server

WWE is French for “yes”

You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)

90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.

My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets

Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.

Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.

Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.

*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”

“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”

I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.

I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way

I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.

[Commercial for axes]

[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]

*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”

So UBER is not a dating app?

*sigh*

I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.

[first date questions]

You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone

Whatever she’s probably vegan