Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?

Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…

Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁

This is the coolest video you will see today.

Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?

Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.

Her: I forgot. I already ate.

A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.

There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.

My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do

I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭

The little toadstool has spoken.

An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.

So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”

They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.

I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.

I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.

My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.

She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.

Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.

My grandma is fierce.

Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.

We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.

Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.

Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*

I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.

A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.

lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to

I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.

Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”

I lost my voice.

If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.

Dear plastic wrap,

I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.

– me

I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.

I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.

“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”

-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for

“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”

how many bears make up a bear minimum

Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.