11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
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Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.