Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.

[argument w/girlfriend]

HER: you know what your problem is?

ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out

You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.

Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.

whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!

My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”

Me:……….

*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.

we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too

I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.

No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.

*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*

So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.

I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.

Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did

No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.

CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.

Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.

this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔

Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone

Skeletor: *throws stone*

Jesus: HEY!

Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.

friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.

Stop making fast and furious movies.

sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇

My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style

waiter: what would you like?

me: maybe the steak

waiter: and what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have the steak too

I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation

My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”

I might be drinking too much…

[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”

[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit

Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.

“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob

Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!