11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
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[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
A French press is when you hug naked
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Guy who likes music
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
dictator is short for richard potato
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.