Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.

Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away

Husband: I said I would do it

Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY

Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag

Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.

If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.

when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied

[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!

Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.

My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.

People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.

I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.

grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything

My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.

At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.

I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist

If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.

Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’

The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png

Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher

Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.

*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy

I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.

Captain: relax, it’s just a title

Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU

HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes

DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?

HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?

Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.

Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?

Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.

*sprains wrist doing sports

“MY NACHO HAND!”

*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly

A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.

[inventing that little handle inside the car]

engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?