Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars

Genie: done. and your second?

Me: infinite money

Genie: no can do

Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now

“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”

My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.

milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb

publisher: what?

milne: the tiger can’t spell

publisher: no

milne: the bear won’t wear pants

publisher: *getting up* this is terrible

milne: there’s a depressed donkey

publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?

Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.

If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.

I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?

You do now.

the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him

“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”

Of course my days are numbered..

That’s how calendars work.

Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.

I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.

A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.

Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!

I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking

Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.

#MeanwhileinCanada

employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce

Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.

I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.

I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”

Wife: omg it’s happening

Me: what is?

*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*

Wife: the baby is coming

Me: what?!

Wife: the baby is coming right now

Me: you’re not pregnant!

*door creaks open*

Wife: run

i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made

My sex drive has a dui

Relationship status:

Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.

Me: This date is going well

Her: Yes

Me: You look sexy as hell

Her: Thank you

Guy she’s on a date with: dude

Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up

If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.

Wife: We need a new fridge.

Me: This is a terrible day.

Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.

Me: This is the best day of my life.