11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
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“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail