Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.

It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.

my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it

This is one of the best videos to ever exist.

Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.

it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months

my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt

Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.

Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.

The most avoided species of shark is the Loan

I am thick and tired. 🙄

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

feeling cute. might rob a bank later.

[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*

[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier

Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?

Her: Was your child gifted?

Me: No, we had him naturally

Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.

Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh

*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come

[bank robbery]

OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money

You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch

Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.

Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.

Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.

guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking

Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.

Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one

One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.

[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try

Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV