11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
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If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today