Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it

July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*

August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*

August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*

Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.

mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

me: My best friend will protect me

mugger: Haha, right-

[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]

ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:

me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times

Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.

First rule of flight club…no penguins.

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.

My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.

The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.

Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?

“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”

-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.

Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell

holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy

*at July 4th cookout*

3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?

Me: [explains the concept of a country]

3:

3: So where is she? Does America have legs?

Me:

[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]

laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US

Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.

Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.

someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.

Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck

Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.

Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”

I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me

Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!

Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.

The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.

Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.

tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible