Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.

My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.

Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.

My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.

[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass

Sister: “Family shot time”

Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”

Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”

Me: oh

I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh

[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.

Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious

Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.

This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety

If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?

It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

HER: DM me later, okay?

ME: Okay.

*later*

ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.

It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.

A great tip. #CakeRex

I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.

I met my wife on Tinder.!

*After 4 months of marriage

“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.

*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf

There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.

A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’

I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined

Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*

My kids: what have you done?!