11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
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Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
He’s making his list…He’s checkin’ it twice.
He left it at home.
He’s texting his wife.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.