Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m pretty brave.

Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.

Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.

Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos

I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.

It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.

[sitting in dentist’s chair]

Dentist: get out of my living room

“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*

Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.

I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting

[Dinosaur Rap Battle]

We’re gonna win this for sure!

“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”

WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen

I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.

he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts

It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.

We will use anything but the metric system

Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad

You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?

Don’t touch my fries.

ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.

ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.

Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.

Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer

My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”

Your Czech is in the mail.

-Mail order brides

*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”

Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything

Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*

Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.

Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.

My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*

Me: WHAT DID YOU DO

Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀

Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon

“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”

me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy

I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.