Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore

My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”

I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.

all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.

the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed

I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.

He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!

#jokes

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person

Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.

I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.

Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.

Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.

So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.

spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining

They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.

My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.

Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”

[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.

me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design

wife: did you make a scene?

me: *crying* several

People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.

just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes

Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

(during sex)

Her: Make me scream

Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*

Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”

The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?

i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?

Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?

Do strangers call to pay my bills?

And if they do, why don’t you let them?

If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.