Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”

glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack

glass half full: It’s only 6 days old

Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.

Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.

This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas

How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?

“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.

All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.

I wish you were here with me baby

So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up

person: calm down

me: *calm immediately goes up*

It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar

It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house

The difference is staggering

Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.

Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped

I love you to the refrigerator and back

“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”

Them: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘

Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.

Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉

Them: …many, many laws.

Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

See Also: Going back to your ex

[first day as a tsa agent]

me: arms up

guy: [t-pose]

me: [hugs him] you have a great flight

Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.

“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”

I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.

Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes

those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks

Me: I’m depressed

Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA

Me: How will that help?!

Doctor: Who’s a good boy?

Me: I AM

Me: How are you?

Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?

Me: I can and do.

HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.

ME: Show me {moves closer}

HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}

ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.

How did we not see this back then?

My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.

We’re prime-mates.

My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”

My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.

Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.

This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through