Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”

I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.

“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.

Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.

My wife and I were leaving for our night out.

Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’

That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.

I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.

THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????

The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it

Literally all I do as a librarian:

It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.

If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101

My mother’s scale of concern:

1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.

2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.

Me: My dog ran away two days ago

Dog pound: Does he have a tag?

Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?

great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog

I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome

Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.

Canada has crack?

The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm

A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.

Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.

Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.

Me: We need a more colourful couch

My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?

My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.

– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown

– making ice in trays

– doing housework

– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from

Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas

CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.

Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.

Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.

HIM: I like your shirt!

ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks