Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people see the glass as half empty.

I see it as the reason I have to pee.

Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”

If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.

Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.

Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.

Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)

“Can I borrow your charger?”

Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*

“I meant for my iPhone.”

Me: Oh, hell no.

[inventing the boomerang]

OH SHIT, IT’S BACK

dracula: you gotta stop

me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad

[runs into old friend]

FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*

My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”

ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van

FRIEND: …and?

ME: that’s it i guess

Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.

Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!

Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good

I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so

If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.

I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”

Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”

wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now

Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen

Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..

Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me

Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality

[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat

who wants to go expliring

*wants space*

*eats Milky Way*

Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.

When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.

[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying

How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine