11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
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Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
Me when my alarm goes off
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.