Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.

had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead

Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.

Husband: Great! What should we be?

Me: I meant me and the dog.

Husband: Of course you did.

Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.

God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?

Noah: yes

God: including the dinosaurs?

CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR

Noah: ….ya

Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!

You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.

[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS

Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.

Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.

Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.

The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight

Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.

Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*

I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”

“I said, ‘No’”

– me, about to give my dog my sandwich

People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”

The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.

My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”

For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.

Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”

I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.

Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.

amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget

BOSS: why are you so late?

ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha

BOSS: well i was and i got here on time

One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl

Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.

It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.

Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?

Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.

Me: And?

Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.

5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.