11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
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Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
However I die, I want my tombstone to say “Unknown Local Man Found Eaten By Squirrels.”
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
as is their right
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar