Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started

PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?

PHARAOH: yes, take this down

SUBJECT: ok

PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird

I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.

Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.

Writing a personal ad. So far I have:

Has all own teeth

What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?

Asgard.

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.

My ex left because I “lack imagination”.

“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.

Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*

i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol

Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.

A fake ID that makes you younger

I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage

Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.

“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour

[being eaten alive by cannibals]

cannibal: is he… joining in?

Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-

Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.

Me: colored diamond.

I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.

Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.

It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity

“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.

I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?

a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing

On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.

They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.

My wife is talking about the seriousness of hazardous waste and I’m eating ham (that I hid in a tricky corner of a fitted sheet while pretending to fold it) and wow it’s crazy, right?!
*slowly chews the ham*

Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?

Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account

Me: You should take a bath

Kid: You can’t make me!

Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens

Me: You can’t make me!