*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
You Might Also Like
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Doctors texting each other.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear