My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
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There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Nothing to do, you say?
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Battery falling down a hole
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?