You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
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Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
My favorite part of going out is when I sneak out the club without saying bye to anyone to go home and sleep
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.
Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT