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@Writepop

You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”

@reczit

Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.

@Tommytoughstuff

[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*

@tesselatrix

Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.

@trustmedaddy

My favorite part of going out is when I sneak out the club without saying bye to anyone to go home and sleep

@philosophia7

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

@prufrockluvsong

my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*

me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT