Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
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Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
I love snow
– People who never shovel
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.