Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
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A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
This checks out
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Discuss
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.