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@hermanntrude

A polar bear can swim up to 160 km without resting

I need a break between putting on one sock and the other

@sammyrhodes

“You know what would make a good gift for this 3yr old? A harmonica.” – people without kids

@DitzMcGeee

beer bottle: if you break me? you get 1 year of bad luck.

mirror: aww, that’s cute. break me? you’ll get 7 years of bad luck!

condom: *walks away laughing*

@brendohare

By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies

@Boymachinist

My bad sir! I completely misunderstood the term “carjacking”.

@Marlebean

“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”

“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”

@IamJackBoot

The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.

@thebeckyard

I was completely offended, but then you said “no offense,” so now everything’s cool.

@Heronhell

When I die use my body to block up a water slide. No one should have fun once I’m gone