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A polar bear can swim up to 160 km without resting

I need a break between putting on one sock and the other


“You know what would make a good gift for this 3yr old? A harmonica.” – people without kids


beer bottle: if you break me? you get 1 year of bad luck.

mirror: aww, that’s cute. break me? you’ll get 7 years of bad luck!

condom: *walks away laughing*


By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies


My bad sir! I completely misunderstood the term “carjacking”.


“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”

“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”


The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.


I was completely offended, but then you said “no offense,” so now everything’s cool.


When I die use my body to block up a water slide. No one should have fun once I’m gone