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@LizHackett

I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.

@BlindChow

“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”

But we’re in love!

“It is forbidden!”

*whale elopes with submarine*

@daemonic3

Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf

@hansmollman

Biden: Oh boy, his car is here, quick let’s all hide
Obama: Joe pls

@ShortSleeveSuit

SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot

ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge

@djdarrellripley

Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.

Her: What if there’s lightning?

Me: Then you get to be on top…