Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
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Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE