JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
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“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids