11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
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I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
I am laughing way too hard at this.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.