Achieve the “smokey eye” look by setting your head on fire.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
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Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
I ate 23k pounds of cream cheese yesterday.
BUT, there were nuts in it and I yelled FITFAM the whole time so technically it was health food
The sun will come out tomorrow, and unfortunately so will other people.
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Them: you shouldn’t be tweeting about sex cuz you’re a mom
Mfer how do you think I became a mom?
Twitter, because I owe people on Facebook money.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”