11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
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“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Awwwww shit.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.