@behindyourback

11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything

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@MischievousJam

I ate 23k pounds of cream cheese yesterday.

BUT, there were nuts in it and I yelled FITFAM the whole time so technically it was health food

@attsmcjay

The sun will come out tomorrow, and unfortunately so will other people.

@TheHyyyype

[party]

me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?

@Darlainky

My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.

@turtledumplin

Them: you shouldn’t be tweeting about sex cuz you’re a mom

Mfer how do you think I became a mom?

@Prof_Hinkley

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

@huntigula

“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”

Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!

“I go by Barold now”