I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
2 years later
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
We have a winner.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.