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@TheTweetOfGod

So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: What does that cloud look like to you?

3-year-old: A cloud.

Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?

3-year-old: Rain.

@Dawn_M_

This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.

@AlanFelyk

To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.

@TheToddWilliams

[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?

@peachgrenade

My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.

@7_Cents

Vin Diesel: Is it fast?

Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.

Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?

@Brentweets

Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.

@juanadog

Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.