If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
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I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]