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So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.


Me: What does that cloud look like to you?

3-year-old: A cloud.

Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?

3-year-old: Rain.


This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.


To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.


[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?


My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.


Vin Diesel: Is it fast?

Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.

Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?


Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.


Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.