Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: Want to come over for dinner?

Me: No thanks, already ate

Mom: What did you have?

Me: Peanut butter

Mom: With?

Me: Spoon

The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.

Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.

Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.

[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”

Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha

When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up

Enter new password

“336Hours”

Your password is two weeks

When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.

Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.

me: do you have spaghetti?

mcdonalds cashier: …no

me: would you like some?

Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.

Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.

My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”

Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.

You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃

[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:

Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary

My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.

Wish me lick.

DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building

I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.

Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.

I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.

It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*

Great!

Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.

I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting

I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.

Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready

My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.

Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try

My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.