11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
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Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
“This Tweet has been deleted.”
A thread 🧵
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[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
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Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.