Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”

It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.

corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here

me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself

When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”

I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.

i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section

Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”

The picture:

scared to check what name she chose

At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.

WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough

Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?

Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs

I just took a shower…

You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.

[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse

put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream

Sharon, call the vet

Me: I’m so tired.

Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.

Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!

The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.

I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…

There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?

“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”

Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?

Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.

So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.

i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it

To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”

I want your life.

[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]

A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-

Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up

Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.

I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings