11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
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Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
How did we not see this back then?
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I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.