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I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
incredible
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.