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ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
My dad.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.