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Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
I think this cat is broken
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.