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*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.