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[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
rip to my favourite tweet
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.