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8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
The asteroid..
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.