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Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
This pepper has seen some shit
What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
12: You’re almost half a century old.
Me: Go to your room.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington