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ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…
ME: whoa you guys serve here?
DOCTOR:…of tests.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.