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Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
United Steaks of America
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day