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Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
welcome back
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.