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Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans