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Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.
I was in my prime.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.