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What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*