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Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Basically, any European coat of arms:
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.