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Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
haha same
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.