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Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.