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Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]