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me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
this came to me in a vision
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The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
What my back needs
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How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies