You Might Also Like
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.