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*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
oppen heimer style lol
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score