You Might Also Like
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-