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Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Möther may I have a snäck
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit