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roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
This why you should mind your business
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”